this war...I just don't know. I hate that we're shown images of explosions in downtown Baghdad on the news non-stop. it's impossible for me not to make comparisons to the images of September 11th. and my mind boggles at the journalists who elect to embed themselves with troops. it's just madness. I don't know. I'm afraid for what these days in Iraq will mean for the world long term. but I'm really not eloquent enough right now to put my true feelings into words.

in a related story, watching Hollywood do a parody of itself over the appropriateness of holding the Academy Awards during the war has been pretty entertaining. personally, I agree that reigning in the boobage tomorrow night would be a tasteful choice, but that still doesn't stop me from hoping to see some big actress defiantly stomping down the red carpet in her best, most expensive, flashiest, trashiest "tit suit" (as Bill Maher termed it), dripping in diamonds. hopefully she'll be screaming something about this being her moment in the sun, dammit, and no war will steal her thunder.

in Adrienne news, I spoke to Erin Thursday night to ask her to call A. I told E the whole story, left out no detail, included things from the past that were relevent, things she hadn't known until I told her. E called her right after we hung up and called me back a half hour later, almost speechless.

it appears that A has not changed her intentions. she gave E the same story she's given my parents--that she's got everything under control, that she's qualified to have all her medical bills compensated, that she's so responsible and has never been so focused on something. E tried to explain her own struggle but A countered again and again with some argument. A said she just wants everyone to understand that she's responsible, she wants everyone to let her be an adult and fall flat on her face "for once." well, I'd say that an addiction to crack cocaine and falling into debt so severe that your wages are being garnished would constitute falling flat on one's face, but apparently not so with A. she also lied to E and said that she has tons of money saved up. when E asked A about the guy who got her into this, A claimed that everything is going great now, that the version of the story my parents and I got was the "panic attack version." finally, E learned that A had been bleeding, either two weekends ago, or two weekends in a row. I can't remember which. there's a lot more, but those were the main points.

I called my dad after E called me to report how the conversation went and we both came to the conclusion that fine, she can just go on doing what she's doing, and God help her.

after that, my dad and I chatted for a while and towards the end of our conversation he told me that it looks like my youngest sister (13) has a boyfriend and that my next youngest sister (16) has some guy coming to visit her next weekend. I felt like I was being put on the spot, so I said, "I'll have a boyfriend someday too..." my dad laughed nervously, so I added, "I do like guys, Dad. for the second time in my life, I'm not a lesbian, ok? so you can stop worrying about that." he laughed in a more relaxed way, said that was good to hear and I just groaned inside.

I mean, fine. I have never had a real, honest-to-goodness boyfriend. there, I've said it. it's very weird, I know. especially since I'm attractive and smart and blah blah blah and I don't really understand it myself, but that's the way it's been so far. in high school and college I was all about school and my extracurricular activities and there are so many stupid boys out there that nothing really clicked. ever since college, I've had my fair share of dalliances and almost-rans, but nothing that I've felt comfortable telling to my parents. I'm pretty private like that. and I'm very picky. so I can understand why my mom and dad would be nervous about my sexuality. but it's not like I never talked about boys I liked during my growing up days. it's just, like, you know...my parents are my parents. they don't need to know about who I've kissed or things. because as soon as I breathe a word about a boy to my mom it's a constant barrage of questions every time afterwards and ugh, I just can't stand it. so yes. they're on a need-to-know basis and obviously that tactic has bred suspicion. but whatever. I'm not gay. they know that. and ppppppbth, that's that.

um. nothing else. except survey.