first off, I do believe I neglected to mention in my disdainful last entry that my grandparents' neighborhood is absolutely gorgeous. the houses have lots of character, mostly due to the fact they're over forty years old, and the scenery includes *rolling hills* (unlike my beloved Chicago) and lots of trees. plus, I am able to enjoy the night sky once again. the other night I was outside on the lower patio talking to Stephen on the phone (it was the eve of his last night in Chicago before moving to the west coast to join his wife) and was distracted by how bright the moon was against the sky during the whole conversation. so that is a definite plus.

the feelings of high-low continue for the most part. it's silly, but I think if I had a car I'd be much happier here. maybe I've said this already, but I feel distinctly trapped by this house and by the lack of public transportation. however, I have resolved NOT to buy a car while I'm here. it's just not sensible for me at this time. if my grandma offered to purchase one for me to use while I was here, I'd be thrilled, but I refuse to put up $300+ per month when I'm only spending $32 taking the inconvenient bus.

on that topic, I had the fuck scared out of me today on the walk back from the bus stop. as I've mentioned before, there is only the slightest bit of paved shoulder surrounded by grass and/or grassy ditch on either side of the main road leading to my grandparents' drive. today, as I plodded along trying to avoid the grass, muddy and slippery from the long rains all afternoon, some jackass with neon detailing on his windshield washer jets, for crying out loud, decided it would be hot shit to rev his engine while passing by me at a close range. hot shit it was not, and I was thrown into pissy anger. I always feel relief when I turn right into my grandparents' drive and begin the long walk back to their house (which sits at the end of a cul-de-sac), but today instead of relief I expressed rage by kicking crabapples to give more meaning to my pouty pity-party. then I started laughing at myself because I always feel like I'm a kid walking home from the school bus during these walks and kicking crabapples, which lie among groups of fallen autumn leaves, only magnified that feeling. I don't particularly like that awkward caught-between-school-age-and-mid-20s feeling.

what am I doing with my life?

ahhhhh. sometimes I wish I had a cigarette to sullenly smoke.

in a related story, I drank a bottle of zinfandel Saturday night, just to see if I could. so that was healthy. I've only ever done that once before, and it was when I found out Adrienne was having drug problems. which I remember chronicling in this journal but am too lazy to look up and reference at the moment.

does anyone want to give me a shitload of money? or a car? I'd be happy to accept either.

anyway, when you're living in a battle between extremes, the littlest things make you happy. like after my crabby walk home, I remembered that the cable people came today to install a cable modem and half ran downstairs to enjoy the speed. I have never had anything but dial-up modems at home until now and somehow this has transformed my mood into pure happiness. it's fassssst!

my vertigo has chosen to make a mysterious resurgence for no distinct reason. so that is totally lame. even if it's a 10th of the intensity it was at its worst, it's still vertigo and it disorients without discrimination.

finally, next Tuesday I turn 26. oi oi oi.