my dad called me last night after speaking to Adrienne about her situation. he'd called me at work earlier in the day to tell me he planned to call her that night and I asked him to let me know what she said. so he called, and he explained that it sounds like Adrienne is happy and she says she's "focused" on having the baby. she told my dad she's never been so focused on something in her life. the degree to which this statement is fucked up is astonishing. it's hard to explain to anyone who doesn't know my sister and what she's been through and what she's put my family through during her 23 years of life. but anyone who does know her would agree that she is the last person capable of raising a child at this point, especially since she's a hair short of declaring bankruptcy, is a former crack addict, was developing an alcohol addiction, and has yet to complete her college degree. for example, right now her wages are being garnished to pay one of her credit cards or utility bills or something. that's always promising.

anyway, my dad and I talked about Adrienne for a good hour. it was therapeutic, but I got upset on more than one occasion. I'm just feeling a powerful mixture of anger and sorrow. and a few times I've had the fleeting wish that Adrienne would just vanish off the face of the earth. I always reproach myself immediately after thinking that and it's not how I honestly feel, it's just that she's fucked up her life so many ways, so many times, and she could be doing so many other great things if she wanted to (her IQ is stupefyingly high, for example). it's so frustrating and painful to watch.

anyway, the whole conversation last night took a lot out of me and for now I'm just going to try to not think about Adrienne because it wastes too much emotional energy. I don't want to talk to her for a while either. I'm just glad that my dad is able to talk openly with me about this, moreso than my mom, who worries more about what other people will think than anything else.

the whole situation is enough to make a person "nucking futs," in my dad's words. one of the few smiles to cross my face during our conversation last night was brought about by that phrase.

I just want to get away from almost everyone and everything here for a while. every little thing about my roommate is driving me berzerk and I am completely unmotivated in my job this week. I want to get away from the family problem, away from my job, and away from my roommate, just for a week or something. I just want to run away with Stacey and Kelly and James P to somewhere nice and get temporarily drunk and stupid. I need an emotional enema.