heaving sigh...

for the past two nights I've been surrounded by my best friends and it's been magnificent. nevermind that I got so drunk Friday night I was seeing cross-eyed and that I knocked over a chair at the last bar we visited. those short moments of unelegance bore little significance compared to my joy at being home with all my favorite people.

last night was particularly eventful for me. Stacey and Kelly and I started out at one place, had a drink, and then arranged with James P to meet up at another place. when we walked into the second place, it was practically busting with people from our high school graduating class home for the holidays. whenever this happens, S, K, J & I usually groan and then avoid anyone we didn't really care for during high school days. and then I wish aloud that I could see a boy who I'll call "My Heart's Desire," or MHD.

I've known MHD since elementary school, but didn't start to like him until the end of high school and then I really started to like him in college. we were kind of friends through high school, mostly because we went through all our school years together, and then moreso because we were in a group together in science. also, he'd mow my parents' lawn every once in a while during the summer. anyway, I used to run into him occasionally in college and we'd always talk and he'd make me laugh in some way and maybe we'd have a few drinks or something. he had a girlfriend for a portion of college, which was a bummer for me, but usually the fun of seeing him and his friends (who also attended elementary school through high school with me) was enough. we'd all reminisce about the time they got in trouble in music class in third grade or the time when one of them popped opened a bag of chips in front of a lunch lady in fifth grade, etc., etc.

last night, about ten minutes after I announced to my companions that I wished I could see MHD, in he walked. I gasped and waited for him to walk by me. when he did, I waved to him and he came over and we started talking and oh my God I adore him. he's still really funny and he looks better than he ever has. a bunch of his friends were in the bar as well. we'd be talking and he'd say he'd be right back and he'd go off and talk to someone and then come right back to me. as my friends later pointed out, he spent the majority of the night talking to me.

it's kind of funny talking to him because there's this awkward high school mentality hanging over us. like, we weren't friends with the same people in high school--he was kind of a stoner, and then in college he befriended some of what used to be the "popular" kids. so it's like ooooh, mixing of the breeds, in a way. although not on his part, for sure. still I feel like there's this barrier, like, we knew each other when we were 6 years old--how does that translate into a big person relationship? and do you make that first move? uugh I mean, he had his hand on my knee at one point and we were sitting close and he was looking at me like...and there are all these freaking high school people around us and good God if we'd started making out or something, I feel like that room would've exploded.

what's also really shitty is now I'm totally in love with him again and he lives in California. motherfucking California. moreover, his only nights here in town were last night, and then he's going to be back again Monday night. but the rest of his holiday time will be spent in another state with what he called his "adult friends."

towards the end of the night, MHD was looking around for his ride since his parents have moved to a neighboring town and he was crashing at a friend's house. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, he walked past. I asked him if he was leaving and he said he was in a few minutes. we kind of stood there, looking at each other, and I said, "so...tonight's your last night in town?" he said, "I'll be going out Monday night...where are you going out?" I said I didn't know and asked him where he'd be. he said he didn't know either and I offered him my phone number. he took it and then gave me his and then he hugged me and told me it was really good to see me. then, while still hugging me, he said, "I've been wanting to see you for years." oh sweet Jesus, what is a girl supposed to do in a situation like this? I told him to call me Monday night and that's the way we left it. the rest of the night I could be heard moaning, "I LOVE MHD...," with a happy-sad look on my face.

I really hope he calls me tomorrow night. otherwise I'll be spending a good portion of the night hoping to accidentally end up in the same bar.