had a bit of an internal crisis last night, started agonizing over what the fuck I'm doing with my life. have had the feeling lately that I'm on this runaway train and I don't know when or where it's gonna stop. just seems like the days are flying by, but for what purpose? slightly troubled, but working it out in my handwritten journal seemed to help. then I read over my entries from the past year and got upset over how maudlin the whole Jim obsession made me. so glad that phase is finally over.

I have such a destructive tendancy to build someone up in my mind to be so much more than they really are. then once I get that impression of them solidified, the let-down when they turn out to be something else is really devastating. affection for another person makes me so blind to what they really are. it's a habit I must try to break.

still, it's funny how now I can kiss him and be with him but not feel attached any more. even so, I fear it's going to end badly at some point. doesn't shit like that always end badly, when two friends start to go to bed with each other with the implicit agreement that romantic emotions are not to be involved? I deserve the romance (with another person) but I'm settling for the physical right now. yuck. what a mess. doesn't help that he never opens up to me, either. ah well, I guess half the excitement is the journey to the flashpoint.