am a little drunk right now, April and I polished off a bottle of wine + other alcohols tonight after fixing a really fantastic dinner of teriaki salmon with pineapple, roasted potatoes with garlic and herbs, and snap peas. it was so fucking delicious. and now I'm full of food, drunk, and have black lung from all the cigarettes I've smoked between last night's laziness and this evening's gorge. I quite enjoyed it.

watched Next Stop Wonderland today. April's first time seeing it, and she liked it. it's funny how we're like this married lesbian couple, but without the sexual attraction as we're both hetero. our old friend John, who is gay, used to joke about it. and it's embarassing sometimes telling people how I met her: that we were nannies in Connecticut and then decided to move to Chicago together. but whatever. we just have a very close and unique relationship.

have decided that, after Friday night's action, I want to put a stop to the benefits part of Jim's and my relationship. I really don't think it's appropriate to be giving blow jobs to a male pal, especially since I'm not attracted to him any more and I just end up feeling conflicted about it. that, and I need quite a quantity of alcohol to even be receptive to it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy making out and fooling around just as much as the next person, but we are friends, and it's unhealthy. where's that David character the psychic told me I'd meet? the other thing is, I have a feeling Jim thinks I'll always be there for him (in that lovey-dovey sort of way), whereas I'm completely through with that stage and will never return to it. and when I do meet someone else, I know he'll be pouty and immature and probably feel some sense of abandon. because right now he's relying on me for sexual gratification and unbeknownst to him, it's not going to last much longer.

ok well my drunkenness is taking over now. sometimes I have to let the thoughts spill out. hopefully work tomorrow will go quickly. but for now, I'm going to smoke another cigarette and then move my way towards the bedroom.