well I drank a lot again this past weekend. I didn't intend to go out at all either night of the weekend but then Meg called Friday night so I went out with her till about 4am. but I guess I didn't have too much beer that night, so that was ok. maybe 4 beers. although I did finish off a pack of cigarettes. hmm.

Saturday night Jim came over with a big bottle of wine, so we split that over some SNL. I told him about Cincinnati and he was definitely bummed, but he seemed ok. then he proposed that we go out for a beer. I didn't really want to since I was kind of out of spending cash until today, but he offered to pay, so we went up the street and had two small pitchers of beer between us. that's a lot of alcohol. I was quite drunk. and I was talking total claptrap about my takes on certain stupid philosophical things that people only discuss when a) drunk, b) high, or c) pretentious.

anyway, after the second pitcher of beer and after finishing my second pack of cigarettes for the weekend (I KNOW!!) we went back to my place to do some more television watching, for some reason. and that's when I decided I wanted some booty-ac. so I turned to Jim and said, "hey Jim, wanna make out?"

this was really stupid of me for several reasons. first, because I swore I'd never do anything sexual with him again EVER. since he treated me like shit that one time and all. and because it's just a dumb idea, friends hooking up. secondly, I'm sure by doing what I did (ie, initiate the action) I gave Jim the wrong idea, that I still like him like that or whatever. which is completely false. lastly, the whole thing was just totally piggish of me. I was the asshole who wanted some easy action and I knew I had a willing party so I completely took advantage. and the worst (in a way) part is that, well...let's just say I did nothing for the boy. there was no sex and there will never be, but I may as well have paid him.

and then a little while after it was all over, I kicked him out. I woke him up and said, "hey, you gotta go." just like he used to do to me, the exact same thing that used to make me so mad, that used to insult me so much about our past "arrangement."

so I woke up yesterday morning and felt like a total shitbag. I was (and still am) angry at myself for letting the horny (I hate that word) in me get the best of me. I mean, I could've at least picked a stranger with whom I don't have this weird past. but no, I pick the guy who I used to be in love with, who treated me like shit, who I totally balled out in public, and who now is at my beck and call all the fucking time. I am bad.

I haven't even said anything to April. I told Stacey because I've got to confess to someone and I was convinced she was totally going to whip my ass. but she understood. because she's a friend and she loves me. and that was nice.

anyway, that was the, uh, event of the weekend. oh wait, not really! I saw Spoon last night. Spoooooooon. the lead singer is a dreamboat. I like him because he's not afraid to be non-emaciated, unlike most of these indie boys. plus, he is tall. le sigh. oh yeah, and their music is a treat as well.

as for today, work stupid blah blah blah.