blaaaargh....today for breakfast I ate 1 1/2 doughnuts and drank 2 cups of coffee (work birthday party = free food = me eat lots), and then ate three pieces of pizza for lunch. gaaaahh my belly feels like a lump. gross gross gross.

and now for an abrupt topic change...

my youngest sister (she's 13) called me last night asking what I wanted for Christmas. so I gave her a few ideas and promised to email her a list. then she asked, out of nowhere, "did Grandpa [my dad's dad] committ suicide?" I said, "um. why?" and she told me that she'd found a paper written by Amanda when she was in elementary school and how it was all about the fact that my grandfather killed himself. so I told her yes, he did.

this was probably about 14 years ago now. I was in 6th or 7th grade, I think. oh, wait. I just did a search--it was almost 13 years ago. so I would've been in 6th grade.

since my youngest sister had just been born, she obviously was unaware of the details at the time and I guess no one had ever chosen to explain it to her since. so she asked me why, and I told her how he was sick and had really gone downhill emotionally since my grandmother's death from cancer a few years prior. she said, "wow. I can't even believe that. I can't. I don't know how Dad could've gone through that." I said, "yeah. it was pretty horrible." she asked me if my dad cried and I told her how he did; I was there when my mom told him the news. then she asked why no one had ever told her this before. I explained that I guessed it was one of those things you don't tell a child until she was older. she was really blown away by that information. I didn't mind having to tell her at all. I mean, I've had a lot of time to deal with the grief, and unless I really start thinking about when it happened and how I felt at the time, I don't get terribly upset any more. but now she's just gotten this fresh information. I need to remember to kind of follow-up with her in a little while, maybe when I'm home. that's pretty hefty stuff to be carrying around all of a sudden.

from that conversation, we progressed to talking about how my mom is making her and Amanda really crazy. and how my dad is getting mad at my mom a lot lately. I explained to her once again that my mom is having a very difficult time dealing with her father's health decline and that, as much as it sucks, she and my sisters need to walk on eggshells around her for a while. we talked a bit more and then she said she should get back to her homework. I told her that if she ever wanted to talk about things again to feel free to give me a call and she said, "yeah. I just...needed some answers."

that little girl amazes me sometimes. she's really smart and is so considerate for someone her age. the fact that she had the compassion to think of how my dad must've gone through a lot after his father's death was really surprising to me. I mean, it's like talking to a little adult sometimes. I guess she is 13, after all. but still. she'll always be a baby or an 8-year-old in my eyes. same with Amanda. I changed their diapers, so it's weird for me to see them changing into big people. I can see what it must be like for parents to watch their kids getting older. you can't put a freeze-frame on youth.